101 rules for the Warden
by Journeyman-93
Summary: Another parody list, this time for the Warden. Let's face it, the Warden is probably crazy and only her companions can bring her under control, but it's Morrigan who is stupid enough to make a list for the Warden and present it to her. Spans Origins and Awakening with fourth wall breaks.


_**A request came from a guest reviewer, and I like the idea he/she gave me. So, here's another 101 list for the Warden. Some of these might to similar to Hawke's list, I also break the fourth wall again. **_

_**Note: Said Warden is a female Cousland rogue who is far from evil but close to crazy.**_

* * *

"The Warden must be stopped." Morrigan announced.

"Has she stopped one of your evil plans again?" Alistair smirked.

"Be quiet, Alistair." Morrigan seethed. "I have prepared a document for her, opinions from those of us who know how to think,"

"Hey!" Alistair whined.

"Not that I fully agree with many of them, but I need the majority to be on my side. Hopefully the Warden will show appreciation, and some logic." Morrigan glanced at some burnt spots on her robe, the result of a badly aimed fire bomb. "And some logic, something that you lack, Alistair."

"Hey!"

Morrigan ignored him and glanced down at her list.

* * *

_We don't know what you mean by an "origin story". Please stop trying to explain other people's stories. It's creepy._

_Your "to do list" is a bit disturbing. "Defeat Darkspawn" is fine, but please consider changing some of the others. "Lose the swamp witch" offends Morrigan._

_Control your dog. He keeps bringing us "gifts" and bits of junk._

_Can you please loot corpses after battle? We know that enemies tend to miss you, but you need to sort out your priorities._

_If we have to take on another army of un-dead, do not shout "grab the shotguns!" or try to give us a "zombie plan"._

_Please use your name. At least once._

_Stop confusing Shale for a man. We know that the voice makes it confusing, but she's getting irritated. No wonder she calls you "it"._

_Careful with the grenades. We've been singed, frozen, melted and discombobulated enough times already._

_Do not mention Orlesians or anything to do with Orlais to Loghain. It's disturbing watching him foam at the mouth._

_You have two revenge plans. Killing Loghain and Howe isn't a bad idea, but stop threatening to stab them every time you see them._

_Don't give Oghren alcohol. You know why._

_Your logic is flawed. Zevran is useful, but please give a better reason for recruiting people instead of: "Aha! He must be the next squad member."_

_Please stop asking dwarves how they managed to build such large structures when they're so short._

_Sarcasm is going to get us all killed. Refrain from it._

_We do not know what "grenade launchers" or "flamethrowers" are. Nor are we going to make them for you._

_Stop saying "by the way, there's an ambush ahead" or betting on the chances. You're always right for some reason._

_Stop being such a know-it-all. Not all of us have time or the inclination to read the codex._

_Stop stealing kills. It is impressive when you kill a monster, but can you let one of us kill one for once?_

_Don't talk about Skyrim. Just don't. It's too epic to be true._

_We don't know who "Hawke" is. We're not sure why you searched Lothering twice in search of him, but you looked pretty crazy._

_Combat is not "turn based"._

_Could you fight with us rather than run around and stab people in the back?_

_We're not here to solve puzzles. Giving us vague instructions and telling us where to go just so you can fight a Dragon in the Orzammar palace of all places was annoying._

_Can you please stop comparing this quest to something called "KOTOR"? That also sounds too good to be true._

_Orlesian cheese isn't that lethal; please stop trying to use it as a weapon._

_Stop asking Sten where his horns have gone._

_You keep backtracking and searching areas repeatedly for loot. We have other issues to worry about._

_We're not sure how Ser Cauthrien managed to reattach her head after you decapitated her before being thrown into the dungeons. Please stop pointing it out as a "bug" or "glitch". Yes, having two versions of her sword is impressive, but that's not the point. And stop calling her "Ser-decapitated"._

_We know that you have a silver tongue, but it's kind of annoying when you get to do all the talking._

_Wear heavier armour. We know that rogues don't like it, but you rely on people like Sten and Alistair to do all the frontal assaults._

_"Get the mage first" isn't a bad tactic but it's a bit vague. It's also difficult when several armoured people are trying to kill us._

_Just because you've trained as a duellist does not mean that you're better at swordfights than we are. (Please don't kill us!)_

_About the bard training: you never seem to sing. You scream more than sing._

_About that: never make Sigrun a bard. Just don't. Our ears can't handle it._

_After using an injury kit, you said: "What happened? I feel defeated. Yet inexplicably rejuvenated." It's pretty obvious how you healed your wounds._

_Don't remind us about our dreams in the Fade. It's embarrassing._

_A Grey Warden is not a "Jedi". Where do you get all this crap from?_

_We're not getting horses. Even if they would make travelling quicker. Have you ever seen a dwarf try to ride a horse?_

_Stop saying that people like Cullen appear in "the sequel". What sequel? Why aren't we all in it?_

_Can we please stop hanging around near doors because you need to "save" before "something bad" happens? It sounds like you're having premonitions._

_"Time for a bloodbath extraordinaire!" is not the best motivation in the world._

_Think carefully before you throw something. That grenade you threw yesterday: that was the worst throw ever. Of all time._

_Shapeshifting in the Fade is possible because it's not all that real. Please stop trying to shift in real life, you're not a mage and shapeshifting is Morrigan's job._

_You've recruited two people that you dislike. Get to know people before you decide to take them with us._

_We don't know who Inon Zur is. Perhaps he did make a good "soundtrack" for this "game" and something called "Fallout 3", but please stop comparing the two. This Fallout thing sounds weird._

_Alistair does not "voice" a person called Harry Flynn. Morrigan does not do the same for someone called Chloe Fraiser. Again; where do you get all these strange notions from?_

_Flemeth does not change after we leave Lothering, then change back to her "old form" then change again after a year. At least we think she hasn't._

_Oghren does not voice any of the following: Grunt, Grayson Hunt, Tank Dempsey, Gorim or Irving. While Gorim and Irving sound a bit like Oghren they surely can't have the same voice. Can they?_

_We're not making you napalm. The thought of letting you loose with it keeps us awake at night._

_Stop showing off in battle. There are other things to be proud of._

_Sten is not here just to intimidate people._

_What's a Wookie? You compared Sten to one when you threatened to let him tear someone's arms off._

_"Kill them and nick all their stuff" is also a vague and unwise tactic._

_Don't you ever get tired of picking every lock and disarming all of the traps? Take a break, or teach someone else to do those tricks._

_Your ability to sense Darkspawn is not similar to something called the Force. (See rule 37)_

_Must you point out flaws with people's life stories? You might know stuff (some of it is downright weird) but please take something for granted._

_Tricking that guard into your cell and locking him in there was clever. But please stop saying that you've done something similar in "KOTOR". (See rule 24. We made this list in a hurry.)_

_When we travel into creepy ruins, can you not open every door, fight every monster and loot all of the chests? We don't run a ruin cleaning business._

_Stop complaining about everybody having some convenient problem that prevents them from helping us. It is annoying, but these things happen._

_Can we just keep our personal lives personal? You seem to want to know everything about us. Judging by some of the things you say, you already do._

_Boats take people to the Circle tower for a reason. Don't assume that we can all swim when someone refuses to take us across in the boat._

_You're not supposed to swim in Lake Calenhad anyway._

_Your stories about Ser Isaac of Clarke keep giving us nightmares. They're not like the ones we were told. By the way, what's a plasma cutter?_

_The Templars are not the Knights who say "ni"._

_Neither are Arl Eamon's Knights, or anyone else's. Alistair isn't one either._

_"Fight for your values and fight for your friends" sounds nice, but what is Miracle of Sound and why is this a good tactic?_

_Stop teaching your dog how to gamble, he keeps winning._

_"Poor sod" isn't a good epitaph, and we don't have the time to bury every "poor sod" we come across._

_For a rogue, you're not exactly subtle, consider being subtle for a change._

_Don't take on Dragons just for the loot, fighting them is madness._

_And no, you're not the Dovahkiin or any sort of Dragon hunter. Go and talk to the Nevarrans if you want to be one._

_"Darkspawn flambé" sounds gross, use some other kind of grenade when fighting them._

_Don't compare the Brecillian forest to "Kashyyyk" or the Deep Roads to "Korriban"._

_Loghain is an idiot and a traitor; we're all agreed on that. But please stop ranting about how flawed his logic is during a Landsmeet and planning to throw him off a tower. Stop calling him "Loghead" too._

_Avernus is not "Doctor Evil"._

_When any of us are knocked out, don't say "I didn't give you permission to die", we never asked for it._

_Morrigan is not from "Dragon's Dogma", whatever that is. It has nothing to do with her use of "tis" and such words._

_Oghren is not called "Ser Burps-a-lot" or "Ser Drunk-a-lot-more-than-he-should-have-again"._

_Velanna doesn't frolic, and she will probably kill you if you ask her about frolicking again. This rule is for your own good, as are most of the others._

_Sylvans are not waiting for you just to become firewood, consider buying firewood rather than going out and killing it._

_Seneschal Varel does not "voice" someone called "Zaeed Massani"._

_What has the "Spanish Inquisition" got to do with anything? And why do you keep expecting them to appear at any moment?_

_You don't need to throw a sword at people; you could just use a bow._

_Explain what a "level up" is, whatever they are you seem to like them._

_Stop spending money on expensive items, they might be good, but sovereigns don't grow on trees._

_We're not going to make you a catapult to launch explosives, just use your arms._

_Werewolves are not from Skyrim, or Solsteim. (See rule 19)_

_"Leg it" doesn't work in combat. You should know this by now._

_You take on just about everybody's burden; we're not mercenaries, couriers, problem solvers, etc…_

_Stop calling Ander's cat "Mr Bigglesworth", there's something scary about the name._

_Why do you keep insisting on using ballistae at every opportunity? Even if we're in front of them?_

_Your list of things to do as Commander of the Grey is a bit odd. Again "kill Darkspawn" is fine and reasonable, but "discombobulate Templars" and "start a Griffon breeding centre" are a bit mad and probably impossible._

_Please don't say something like "tis but a scratch" when you're bleeding from multiple wounds. You might be tough, but you're not invincible._

_"Never mind, we'll reload" isn't encouraging when we're losing a fight. Reload what anyway?_

_Stop comparing silverite to "Mithril", they're not the same._

_Mages are not from "Isengard". The Circle Tower is not "Orthanc"._

_What's wrong with our campsite? It might be in the same place, but you've got to have consistency._

_"Kill them to death" is another vague tactic. Can we come up with something sensible?_

_Why do you want to go to Kirkwall? Killing Knight Commander Meredith is a dumb idea, even if she does apparently go crazy after a few years._

_Your plan to go north until it becomes south and attack the Archdemon from behind is just stupid._

_Do what this list says. Please. We'd like to be sane at the end of this, as well as alive._

* * *

"So what happened to the Swamp Witch?" Shale inquired. "I wanted to crush her into a fine paste."

"I think that our esteemed leader is kicking her across the camp." Alistair said dreamily. "It looks like Morrigan was the stupid one."

* * *

_**Took me a while to finish this, these 101 lists are harder than you might think. It's not as good as my 101 for Hawke, but it'll do.**_


End file.
